Question:

Sometimes I see parents who act like they are more of a friend to their child than a parent. Their close relationship seems to be a positive thing, but I wonder if it could cause problems later. Is there a problem with being friends with your child? When is a parent crossing the line?

Answer:

There is no problem when parents occasionally play with their children or share common interests. There is also no problem when parents treat their children in friend-ly ways, out of basic respect. There is problem, however, when parents become equals with their children and become more peer than parent.

Research cites the most common reasons parents become their child’s “best friend,” or “buddy” are:

• Being vulnerable and/or lonely after a divorce, wanting companionship or someone to confide in,

• Going through a mid-life crisis or feeling deprived of a childhood and trying to experience it through the child or with the child,

• Feeling guilty about working too much and trying to make up for lost time, or

• Being afraid to set boundaries or deny children’s requests.

When parents stop being parents and are only friends, there can be many detrimental effects. Children may feel resentment, grief that they have “lost” their parent, abandoned, jealous, and angry. It can affect children’s social development and their ability to individuate into a well-adjusted adult.

At the most extreme, children assume that someone needs to be the parent so they step into the role. When this type of role reversal comes into play, it suggests a more severe family dysfunction. That discussion would lead us into clinical terms and research on the lifelong damage that this causes. So let’s just look at this from the most common, practical standpoint.

The underlying issues here are roles and boundaries. A parent’s primary role is to be an adult who is a positive role model and sets boundaries when issues arise such as safety, health, appropriateness, rights, property, rules and values. We’ll call those “SHARP RV” issues.

Parents wear many hats, but the hat that goes on first and never comes off is that of a parent’s primary role. There are times when other hats may be temporarily put on, such as chauffer, chef. That hat comes off when keeping it on would violate the role of wearing the parent hat.

So let’s look at a few examples of what friends do and when the parent might reach a boundary where the friend hat should come off.

• Friends share common interests and do things together. It’s fine to go shopping as a chaperone. It crosses the boundary when the parent is a 100% friend the entire time and doesn’t speak up about any SHARP RV issues. Attending parties together might be appropriate, but partying together (as in drinking together) is crossing the line.

• Friends confide in each other, listen to their friends’ problems and show empathy. Parents want to be good listeners and show empathy for their child’s feelings. They are crossing the line if they don’t speak up about SHARP RV issues and condone or agree with a child’s dangerous choices. It is also crossing the line to confide to our children about our problems, especially intimate issues, such as marital problems or our sex life.

• Friends are honest with you when they are concerned about you. Some things you might choose not to interfere with, to allow your child to learn from the experience. When SHARP RV issues are involved, parents need to speak up, express their concerns, and possibly set boundaries.

When our children are adults, our boundaries may expand and our roles may become more diverse. We still maintain boundaries, though, especially when their behavior affects us or we are concerned about SHARP RV issues.

My parents and I have always been very close. As a child and teen, I could talk to them about almost anything and we enjoyed doing many things together. I probably would have said they were among my “best friends.” Yet they always maintained proper boundaries, as did I.

As adults, we share common interests and are in similar professions, so during our conversations, we put on and take off many hats and communicate as equals on many levels: as colleagues, friends, mentors, or advisors. We express concerns at times because we care about each other, but recognize we are all adults. Nevertheless, the hat we never take off is that they are my parents and I am their adult child.

Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent educator, award-winning author of The Parents Toolshop book and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. As a nationally-recognized parenting expert, she has almost 30 years experience as a workshoptrainer and with the mediaworldwide, including advice quoted in nearly every national parenting magazine and on the Ident-a-Kid television series. For more practical advice on the parenting challenges you may be facing, check out Jody’s teleseminar series and other resources at www.ParentsToolshop.com