Are You Married to a Mama’s Boy?
Category: featured, relationship advice, yourchicfamily
By: Jenna D. Barry
You probably fell in love with your husband because he was a loving, generous, thoughtful, responsible, honest person. Maybe you loved the kind way he treated his 5-year old niece, his yellow Labrador retriever, or his sweet little grandma. Whatever qualities attracted you to him, there’s a good chance that his mother is a big reason why he turned out so great. Moms are usually a wonderful influence in their sons’ lives. Guys who have a close relationship with their mothers usually make great husbands.
Unfortunately, sometimes a man has such a close relationship with Mom that it interferes with his ability to be a great husband. When you first dated your husband, you may have admired the fact that he really enjoyed being around his mom. You probably really liked her, and she liked you, too. But then maybe she had a hard time letting go of her son, which is understandable since she has known him since he wore Huggies. Perhaps she became a little bit jealous of you, and then you began to feel the need to compete with her.
When a man marries, he is supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to his wife. His behavior plays a key role in how well his wife gets along with his parents. Some parents accept their new role quickly, but others have a hard time adjusting to the idea that they are no longer the center of their son’s life. A mother with healthy behavior will gracefully step aside– even if she doesn’t want to– and encourage her son to make his wife his main priority. It can be extremely difficult for a man to transfer his loyalty if his mom tries to make him feel guilty for doing so.
Here are five ways you can become the most important woman in your husband’s life:
1. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. He probably feels caught between a rock and a hard place. He may think he is being a bad son whenever he tries to be a good husband. He feels terrible when his actions upset his mom. Rather than calling Hubby a gutless parent-pleaser and criticizing his mom, be supportive and help him through the process of transferring his loyalty to you. Let him know that when his Mom gets upset, it doesn’t mean he did something wrong; it just means he is becoming a great husband, and his Mom is just going through a period of adjustment.
2. Communicate your feelings and needs in a loving, tactful manner. Tell Hubby what he can say and do to show that he is a loyal husband. You could say something like, “I feel betrayed when you listen to your Mom gossip about me. From now on when she starts to say something bad about me, I need you to say ‘Mom, I’m not willing to listen to you criticize my wife anymore. From now on, I want you to talk to her directly instead of putting me in the middle.’” Thank him whenever he makes your needs a priority.
3. Anticipate problems and prepare your husband for his Mom’s reaction. If you and Hubby want to invite everyone to your own house for the holidays this year, then help him be prepared to handle a negative reaction from his Mom. Suppose you think his Mom will say, ”Son, you know it’s tradition for you to come to our house for Christmas. We’ll be very disappointed if you don’t come here.” Your husband could respond by saying, “I’m sorry you’re upset, but we’ve decided to start a new tradition of our own. I hope you’ll come join us at our house.”
4. Set an example by having healthy behavior patterns. If your husband’s mother is controlling and manipulative, then your behavior should be such a contrast that Hubby can see the difference. If the only reason your husband makes you a priority is because you scream or cry the loudest, then you need to adjust your behavior. Your goal should be to have a marriage based on love and respect, rather than intimidation and guilt.
5. Make sure you are a loyal wife. When your husband’s needs conflict with your parents’ needs, do you make him your first priority? Or do you say “no” to him so you can say “yes” to your folks? Do you gossip about Hubby to members of your family? If you want your husband to make you his first priority, then you need to reciprocate.
You can have a great marriage even if your in-laws aren’t so great. All you need is patience, persistence, and a whole lot of love.
Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.” She leads a support group for daughters-in-law and has a website at www.WifeGuide.org.
Three Blessings that Forgiveness Brings
Category: featured, relationship advice, spirituality, yourchicself
By: Kashia Rachfall
February’s here, and it’s time to evaluate how your New Year’s Resolutions are going. How’s it going? Did you make New Year’s Resolutions for 2010?
This new decade is an opportunity to do in life what you’ve always wanted to do; to be who you’ve always dreamed you could be; to let go of the old habits and grudges and to open yourself to new ways of thinking and being.
Forgiveness can play an integral part in ushering in these new changes that you create for yourself. It will allow you to truly cut ties with any bonds from your past and focus on creating your future and living in the present.
How to Teach Healthy Competition
Category: featured, raising children, relationship advice, yourchicfamilyBy: Christine Martinello, America’s Momager
This football season is more intense than most – a season filled with exhilarating moments of victory and heart-breaking loss. A season when as parents we’ve spent more time on the field than around the dinner table. Sacrificing time, energy and money – all in the name of helping our children grow to be their best through team sport.
As a mom who has sat through 12 years of football, basketball, dance competitions and an endless stream of sports, I gotta tell ya, it’s tough to teach healthy competition. How do we find a healthy balance between wanting to win and learning from loss?
Clean Up Your Act to get Children to Clean
Category: featured, raising children, relationship advice, yourchicfamily
By: Jody Johnston-Pawel, LSW
Messy rooms. Almost every parent can relate to this problem (especially this time of year.) In their fun and glee, children scatter toys throughout the room — or house! They play with the toys they are supposed to be putting away. It seems to take hours for children to pick up, when it could take parents a few minutes. Why do most children seem to be born slobs? When will they want to clean and do it well and quick, so parents don’t have to nag, complain and hover?
You may not ever have children who want to clean, but you can have children who cooperate anyway. The first step is to avoid quick fixes, since many backfire or have negative long-term outcomes. For example, if parents “let it slide” until they can’t stand the mess, children feel overwhelmed. If parents nag, they get into power struggles. If parents insist on perfection or having it done “their way,” they have power struggles and discouraged children. If parents clean, children get a maid/butler and never learn to clean by/for themselves. If parents restrict children until they finish, children are resentful and may refuse to clean to rebel or for revenge. If parents throw away toys, children learn it’s okay to disrespect and destroy property because it’s disposable — and may get revenge later.
